Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A Little Bit Lost

There are things in life that are constant.
You sleep, you wake
you breathe
you eat
you laugh
you cry
you love
you play
you work
...you live.
The expectations of doing it all over again from one day to the next never really enter your mind. At least it never really entered mine all that much. So, on January 4th I was up running errands, disciplining my children for yelling in my car, going from paint store to hardware store, then to a friends house, and finally to my own home to start working on more projects...my day was normal, my plans for the weekend clear.
I packed my children's overnight bags, and loaded some v-groove panelling into my car to take to Mom and Dad's house for the evening. I had two stops to make on my way there. I had to stop by JoAnn's Fabric and get some muslin because Mama and I were going to make some ruffles for a lampshade, and I was dropping off our old pack and play at a friends house. I never could have imagined that I would be standing in the fabric store with my arms loaded down with craft supplies and fabric when I got one of the worst calls of my life. I answered the phone knowing it was my father and smiled at my son standing next to me as I said hello.
As I listened to my father, I fell to my knees and screamed "no!" in the middle of the fabric store.
My father had come in from work and a few of his own errands and found my mother dead...
My sweet, precious mother was gone. 
Even now things are a bit blurry - a bit unreal.
I saw it, I know it happened, I experienced it all, yet it still seems impossible.

This beautiful, loving, talented woman was gone. She was the best mother in the world, the best grandmother I've ever seen, and she was my friend as well. One of my best friends. What would I ever do without her?

Painting Jade Reese's nails

She bought two bubble mowers so both of my children could tag along after her while she mowed the lawn...

She let me be goofy with her and she loved it

She planted flowers with my baby girl

She taught me how to love and be kind and that family was the most important thing next to God

She went to my children's school parties and loved them both to distraction!

She let my 7 year old daughter play with her camera and take pictures like this one (from this Christmas), even though she despised being in pictures.

I feel so lost, how will I ever live without her? 
I will pick myself up and move forward, always doing things the way Mama would have. She was strong, she worked hard, she laughed full and loud, she was selfless, she was the kindest person I've ever known. If I am even a quarter of the woman she was I will consider myself lucky. I will keep going for my sweet father, for my amazing husband, for my precious babies, and for my siblings and their families - because that's what Mama would have done, and that's what she would have wanted.

At the funeral there was a little booklet passed out that had a poem I wrote her in it. I wrote the poem when I was 18, and it is all the more precious to me now because my father requested it be used for this.

I will miss her so much. Her voice, because I heard it almost every single day. Her hugs, because there are no hugs like the ones from your mother. Her care, because she cared for me so much. Her laugh, because it was awesome. Her smile, because it was beautiful and made her gorgeous green eyes sparkle. I will miss seeing her interact with and love my children. I will miss her teaching me how to do things...all things. But, most of all I will miss her heart. No one has ever had a heart like my mama.

I will be back to projects and blogging soon, but like everything lately, it will take me some time. Thank you all for your prayers and support of my family, we are so grateful and appreciative. 

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Dear Paula... This has touched me in such a deep way... I ache for you to have your Mama back... what a relationship you two have had! It is what I've always dreamed of as a Mama... to be close like this with my daughters! How I pray that I will be worthy of my daughters' love and adoration the way you have loved yours! *hugs* to you, sweet lady...